i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
