Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
