so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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