I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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