I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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