just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
