whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
