Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
