My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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