Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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