there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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