let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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