I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
