My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
