my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
