so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
