Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
