At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
