Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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