she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
