So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
