Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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