i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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