Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
