there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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