Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize