I'm so fucking centered right now
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
