my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Terrible idea I love it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
