Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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