Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
