I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
