I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
