Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
how does that bad decision feel?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
