In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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