Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
soo... how was my night?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
