Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
