I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
