Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
