At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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