So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize