When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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