it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
