we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We had sex on a dog bed..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
