Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
