I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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