Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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