You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
