worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
