i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
