The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
