She went from zero to smokin in five shots
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize