Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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