And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
