my phone needs a breathalizer
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize