I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
