fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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