I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
