i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
