I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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