i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
