remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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