apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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