Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
