I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need moral support for this bender
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You are the jesus of drinking
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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