He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
